life, the universe, and donna » Conversations with a Cat

The road to hell…

Donna — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 22:16:19 +0000

I admit: a good half the reason I chose VanCity when Royal started pissing me off was this commercial.

Way to give back, babe.

Conversations with a Dog in a home with Cats

Donna — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 21:43:32 +0000

Dog: Wow, these new treats are great! Thanks for getting them for me!
Me: Uh… what treats? I haven’t given you any treats.
Dog: The ones I found in the closet! They’re so deliciously crunchy on the outside, and chewy on the inside! They’re fantastic!
Me: The closet? You mean… the closet with the litterbox in it?
Dog: Yeah! Man, they sure are tasty! Mmm, mmm.
Me: Oh, ick.

Conversations with a Torturer Cat

Donna — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 18:47:09 +0000

Dog: May I come out of the bathroom?
Cat: No.
Dog: Please? I won’t bother you. I’ll just go back to my room.
Cat: No.
Dog: Um, ok. I’m just going to try to slip by you here…
Cat: *hiss* *swipe* *claw*
Dog: Ok, ok! I’m staying in the bathroom. That’s okay. I’m just going to lay down here… and never leave again.
Cat: Yes.
Me: Uh, dog, you do realize that you’re three times his size, right?

Torturer Cat"">

Conversations with a Dog

Donna — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 21:55:25 +0000

Dog: I LOVE THE CAT!
Cat: What is this beast you have brought into my domicile? What have you allowed to cross my threshold?
Dog: LET’S BE FRIENDS FOREVER!
Cat: *hiss* *swipe* *claw*
Dog: So… that’s a no?

Conversations with a Hungry Cat

Donna — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:04:44 +0000

Cat: Open this bag of food for me.
Me: No, you’ve got a bowl of food, and a half full bag of the other stuff.
Cat: This stuff is better.
Me: How do you know? You’ve never even tried it.
Cat: I can tell. It is not The Other Stuff, and is therefore better.
Me: The other stuff is good and expensive. You should appreciate it.
Cat: Open this bag for me.
Me: No way.
Cat: *starts tearing bag open himself*
Me: *punt*

Conversations with a Destructive Cat

Donna — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:55:40 +0000

Me: Fine, you may sit in my lap, if you’ll only stop annoying me.
Cat: Good. This is where I belong.
Me: Just sit there and be quiet and don’t bug me.
Cat: *kneads claws into sweater*
Me: You’ve … you’ve just ruined my sweater.
Cat: I didn’t like it anyway.
Me: *punt*

Conversations with a Cat while I’m napping

Donna — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 01:27:56 +0000

The scene: I’m in my bedroom, napping in the afternoon. I’ve left my door open a crack.

Cat: *sticks cold & wet nose into face*
Me: *wakes up* GAH! *splutter*
Cat: Love me.
Me: Your nose is cold and wet!
Cat: The better to wake you up with.
Me: Oh ick, I have cat snot on me. *punt*

Conversations with a Bully Cat

Donna — Thu, 31 May 2007 15:48:02 +0000

The Scene: Lying on the couch, and I’ve actually encouraged one of the cats to come sit with me. Hey, he’s warm. After a few minutes of quiet kitty cuddling…

Second Cat: *slap*
First Cat: *runs away*
Me: Hey! Jerk.
Second Cat: You should not be paying attention to him. I am in the room.

…time passes…

Me: Psst. Here, kitty kitty. Come sit with me.
First Cat is beckoned over.
Second Cat: *slap*
First Cat: *runs away*
Me: Hey! Cut that out.
Second Cat: We’ve discussed this. You are not to pay attention to other cats. I am here.
Me: You don’t even WANT to sit with me right now! You hit him, then you run away and sit on the other side of the room!
Second Cat: Irrelevant. I am here.

…time passes…

Me: Psst. C’mon, pretty kitty. I’ll skritch your ears!
First Cat is beckoned over.
Second Cat: *slap*
First Cat: *runs away*
Me: Asshole.
Second Cat: You brought this on yourself.
Me: *grumble*

…time passes…

Me: Psst. Over here. C’mere, kitty.
First Cat: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Conversations with a Cat at 5am

Donna — Tue, 29 May 2007 20:44:29 +0000

Me: What the HELL are you doing? It’s five in the freaking morning!
Cat: I am opening this bag of food.
Me: WHY? You’ve got a dish full of food. And another bag of food that’s still half full.
Cat: I want this food.
Me: You can’t open the bag. You don’t have opposable thumbs.
Cat: I have teeth. They’re better. Noisier, for one. Listen to this delicious ripping!
Me: It’s 5am. Please, for the love of sleep. Stop? Please?
Cat: I don’t care about this “5am” that you speak of. I am awake. You are now awake. So there is no problem.
Me: *punt*

Conversations with a Cat in the Way

Donna — Sun, 27 May 2007 10:21:44 +0000

Me: You make a better door than a window.
Cat: Yes, thank you.
Me: That wasn’t a compliment.
Cat: Yes it was.
Me: All right, let’s try this: Get out of the way, I’m trying to see the TV.
Cat: You would rather look at me.
Me: No, I don’t think so.
Cat: I am much more pleasing to the eye than these moving pictures. Look, I have a tail.