Some of it doesn’t make sense. Well. It was funny at the time?

No matter how far away you are from home, dogs want to hang their heads out the window.

It’s not just that the cars are old, it’s that many of them are in pristine 1950s condition.

“I don’t want to walk up an entire flight of stairs… I’m on vacation!”

“I don’t know about you but I plan on being drunk pretty much 24/7.”

“There is sand in my iPhone.”

“What is that sound?”
“It’s a bird.”
“Really? Birds are weird…”

“Rocks don’t have legs. All rocks with legs are frogs.”

“If you’ve got it, flaunt it.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal here.”

“This is a lot like being in Montreal, except I don’t have to pay for things.”

I AM IN CUBA WATCHING AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR! Life is now complete. (So THAT’S where he went…)

“Hee. Toilet humor.”
“It’s urinal humor. Urinal humor is different.”

“Whatever you do in Cuba stays in Cuba…”

They’re doing body shots on stage. This is awesome.

“I cried so hard when I saw Titanic the first time.”
“I cried the second time.”

I just saw assless chaps. Life is good.

Played with Dolphin named Nina. Then she splashed me in the face. Thanks Nina.

Snorkeled in open water, far enough from land that I couldn’t see it. Stunning, despite my crapass vision. Crazy strong tide, too. I kept sticking my head down, looking around for a few minutes, then popping up and having to swim like hell to get back to the boat. Then do it again!

“I’m on a catamaran in Cuba listening to the Macarena. That’s it, I’ve finished my bucket list.”

Yay, geography lesson! “The easternmost province is Guantanamo. It has a bay, Guantanamo Bay. When you leave Cuba, you pay $25 CUC. If you don’t have that, you get a free trip to Guantanamo Bay…”

Most all-inclusives built in 90s, post-economic collapse of sugar industry. Half of the people working there are professionals who make more in the tourist industry.

Was accosted by a Cuban panhandler. Felt right at home!

Parking lots looks like car shows.

Very Sunburned Dan: “Fucking beach. So next trip, we’re going to London, we’re not going to see the sun for two weeks.”

Rained for half an hour. Mostly dry (except for my shoes) twenty minutes later. Then it rained more. And more.

Thunderstorms! Yay! Went for a swim. Felt sort of safe based on multiple lightning rods around the resort.

Some of the rumbles continue on for minutes at a time.

It’s so windy that our neighbours pants blew onto our balcony, but it’s still warm and sunny out.

You know the rain is pretty hard when the Vancouverites are impressed.

Very brief power outage. Keeping my flashlight handy.

“There’s something in the air. Oh right, it’s ionized gases.”

Dinner reservations, but we needed the ticket from the room. No sense in us both getting wet in the rain, although our room is only one building over from the main lobby. By the time Dan got back, he was as drenched as if he’d come via the pool.

Ate so much food (despite the beetle that hitched a ride in my vegetables) that I may give birth.

Am so full my tummy is doing unhappy somersaults, and yet I have a plateful of dessert in front of me…

-high pitched birdcall- “Oooh, there’s dolphins in the trees!”

Went on a nature walk, had a tarantula hole pointed out to us. Am now MOST PARANOID EVER. OH GOD TARANTULAS ARE EVERYWHERE. Theres probably one in my bag right now. Waiting…

“I want to go outside. It’s too hot in here.” -30 seconds later- “Oh god, it’s hotter out here…”

Using hockey sticks to adjust the spotlights: is there ANYTHING they can’t do?

Aquaballet dirty dancing. Utterly Amazing. Seriously, they re-enacted the big dance scene from Dirty Dancing WITH AQUABALLET.

I feel incredibly touristy for walking around with my big SLR camera. But then I realize it’s already obvious that I’m a tourist by my blindingly white skin. The camera makes no difference.

One of the reasons I wanted to stay in an all inclusive is that I was a little nervous about getting around a country in which I speak about 4 words of the local language. But I feel incredibly comfortable in Havana. It’s a city, and that makes me feel at home. Sure, it’s about 400 years older than Vancouver, but it’s still a city. I got this.

No regrets for the all inclusive, though. That beach, that pool, and unlimited free drinks? I’m in.

New Havana: still older than anything Vancouver has to offer.

Bathroom/pina colada break on the way back to the hotel: Gave the attendant a tip, she ushered me into the “special” bathroom. No toilet seat, and the sink didn’t work, but I didn’t have to wait!

“Don’t worry honey. Soon we’ll be home where all the girls are wearing long pants and turtlenecks.”
“Bleh.”

Timers at controlled intersections count down how long until it turns yellow. Brilliant.

“How did she know we were Canadian? Oh right, 90% chance.”

But as of today, it’s true! Justice is in fact five years old, and I couldn’t ask for a better dog.

Here’s to another five and beyond, pretty girl. Happy Birthday.

(Justice does not care about birthdays as this is a silly human construct. As are dogs in bunny ears. Pleh.)

So I spent yesterday out in Cloverdale with the family. Highlights: As mentioned previously, giant puppy is, in fact, giant. Other things noted: Bendy sister is bendy.

Turns out that 5 years of competitive dance classes actually does something for your flexibility. Being 8 helps too, I think. And in other news, nothing makes you feel your age more than bouncing around on a trampoline with an 8 yr old. On the upside, I can still do flips. On the downside, I don’t think I can get up after doing said flips. I did manage to teach Carol Ann how to do somersault flips, so that’s a win. (Side note: Mom’s been trying to show her how to do somersaults for ages, but she let me actually teach her. Why? “I’m learning from a professional!” Mom & I both bust a gut at that one. That’s me, professional somersaulter. And here I thought they paid me because I was good with customers.)

Anyway, she’s pretty awesome, and remains my favorite silly kid. Also, she can fly. Can your sister fly? I DIDN’T THINK SO.

The above link is actually where I first heard about Thundershirts — I’m in the same community as the above poster when she asked for referrals for it, and the response was pretty positive. It’s based on the same premise as weight blankets and hug machines for autistic kids, squeeze chutes for cattle, the Tellington TTouch, and a variety of research by Temple Grandin. And, because even though it seems odd, it makes sense to me. I like the lead apron at the dentists office. The weighted feeling feels nice. I like having 2-3 blankets piled on me when I sleep, not just because I get cold (although that’s a part of it) but because the weight feels nice.

So. I don’t know why it works, but I at least sort of get it. Anyway, the first link up there, with the review of Sodai’s reaction to the Thundershirt, I decided it was worth the cost — especially since, thanks to Phantom Publishing (thanks you, Nicole!), I was able to find someone who would ship it to Canada without charging almost me as much as the shirt itself.

Still, it feels a bit ridiculous. What, a grey Star Trek uniform shirt is going to calm my dog down? Right. Sodai’s owner is right on with the uniform comparison — I half expect her to perform the Picard Maneuver as soon as I put it on. Er, the one listed under “Background” on that page, not the bit about warping.

But hey, in my quest to soothe the anxious beast, I’ll try just about anything.

We didn’t have quite the same reaction as Sodai. Justice did not immediately roll over and transform into a stoner. I purposely made sure she stayed calm & low key — no playing in the Thundershirt, I want this thing associated with being calm and laid back as much as humanly possible. Because she alert barks about weird noises, I also didn’t want her wearing it any time I couldn’t immediately pop up and soothe her back down (she’ll calm down right away if I can stand up and talk to her for a few seconds, but if I’m say… playing warcraft in the middle of a boss fight, or at a soapmaking spot where if I stop, I’ll ruin the entire batch, it’s not ideal.)

So we’ve only tried it out a few times. And initially, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I only had her wearing it in situations where she’s already fairly calm, so it was hard to see any result. And that’s fine, I don’t want to REALLY test it until she’s comfortable with it and associating it with not flipping out. So far so good. She seems pretty okay with it. I was almost considering taking her to the vet in it, but I really want to work up to high-omg-crazy anxiety situations with it.

I put it on her today while we were sitting around at home making sure that she didn’t have any adverse reaction to her new meds. Before I put it on, she was alert barking every few minutes at Every Little Noise, and generally driving me up the wall. In fact, it was half the reason I put it on her, just on the off chance she would jesus christ dog, shut up, even a little.

Aside from a couple of minor growfs… she didn’t bark once the entire time it was on (about an hour and a half). Holy crap.

I thought maybe it was a fluke and maybe it was just super quiet (in the middle of the day in my building? right — we have cement walls and *I* can’t hear much, but she sure can) and as I was getting ready to go into work, I took it off. Immediately back to alert barking at Every. Stupid. Noise. I don’t mind alert barking when there’s something to alert to — like, someone coming in the door, or very loud noises. But little tiny day to day noises like OTHER PEOPLE DARING TO EXIST WITHIN AMAZING DOG HEARING EARSHOT? Shut up, dog.

Well, huh. So far, this looks positive. I’m planning to escalate the use of Thundershirt with “things that make her anxious” and see if it helps. Admittedly, with us starting the anti-anxiety meds at the same time, it’ll be hard to see what’s helping, but this isn’t really a scientific study… this is “how do I help my dog not to see the world as evil” and “what works for us.” So far, I’m impressed.

Also, thank god, Justice is super thin… and has no love handles with it on. (Sorry, Sodai! Your muffin-top is very pretty…)

Poor Justice. I think she’s getting a little fed up with this interloper. Every time she has something nice, Jasper wants it. And since he’s a pushy little guy, he comes up and takes it. And because Justice is evidently a giant suck, she lets him, and then looks sad for a while, and goes to find something else. Which Jasper then wants, so he drops his first prize, and goes and takes that one away from her. And then Justice looks sad, and goes back to the initial treat…

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

The cycle has gone all morning between a nice lambbone full of tasty marrow and a bully stick. The funny thing is, Justice has had the lambbone for weeks, and usually ignores it — she only gets in a chewing mood when we have company. Evidently that extends to canine company. Or maybe she only wants it when someone else has given it higher value.

Anyway. Despite the cycle of stolen treats, they’re still getting along pretty well. Justice is a little less patient with him, and playing a little rougher, but nobody’s squeaking, so as long as it doesn’t get too serious, I’m letting it go. I’m trying to discourage Jasper from chasing Justice around the room jumping all over her when she obviously isn’t into playing, but it’s a near constant battle, so … well, Justice is just going to have to learn to tell him to FO herself one of these days. Instead, she lets him bug her for a while, then consents to 30 seconds of play, then goes back to looking Put Out.

And admittedly, it’s really cute when he chomps on her tail and she gives me a “when he is going home?” look.

Luckily, Justice still has her upstairs refuge. She’s still blocked from the bed when there’s nobody in it, but there’s still the office and the landing. Her food bowl is up there (since small food motivated monsters will get to it before her otherwise) and she has a couple of nice beds.

But most important, Jasper doesn’t know how to get past the fourth step up the stairs.

I currently pay about $40-50/m and have a year and a half left on my contract.

I’d like to upgrade to an iPhone. This will increase my bill to about $70-80ish/month. I am willing to EXTEND my contract for another 3 years on top of that. I do not want to pay for the phone outright, because $600 is a lot.

Say I want the standard iPhone 3G. $100 with 3 year contract. $600 without. It’s (apparently) $400 to cancel a contract. So, I can save $100 by canceling my current plan and moving to Telus or Rogers.

Dear Bell: This is really, really dumb. How many customers did you originally lose when Rogers started offering iPhones? Now that you’ve finally got them… you’re going to lose more?

Man, cell companies in Canada are so fucked up.

Edit: I sent this letter to Bell, because they’re being dumb.

Hi there,

My current phone number is 778-YOUDONTNEEDTHAT, account number YOUEATBOOGERS, client ID SUCKITBELL. Last bill amount was $ENOUGH. I’ve contacted Bell about my account from this address before.

I’m interested in upgrading to an iPhone, but from conversations with phone reps it seems that this isn’t possible without buying the phone outright — at $600-700, that’s a bit steep. Especially since I’m told the fee to cancel a contract is $400, which makes canceling my Bell account and going to a competitor a much cheaper idea.

I’d be perfectly willing to extend my contract, rather than just having it reset to today — I have about a year and a half left on my contract I believe, and keeping my current contract (at a more expensive rate plan) AND extending it the additional 3 years that Bell requires to have the discounted new iPhone seems like a reasonable compromise, but one that the phone rep was unable to offer. Is this a possibility? Because right now, there’s absolutely no incentive for me to stay with Bell, and a rather convincing incentive to go elsewhere. I like Bell, and I’d rather stay here, but not if it’s over $100 cheaper for me to go elsewhere. My brand loyalty doesn’t go that far. (In fact, the somewhat bizarre options available detracts considerably from the brand loyalty.)

The math seems pretty simple — Bell either gets $400 now, and never hears from me again, or they get $100-200 now (depending on which iPhone I go with) plus $70-80/m for 4 and a half years. Say it’s 54 months (I’m not 100% sure when my current contract is up, I think it’s a little longer than that) but that’s a minimum of $3780. I’m no math expert, but this seems like more.

I know I’m not the only current Bell customer who would like to upgrade to an iPhone, but who still has time left on their contract, and I expect Bell to have a lot of pretty cranky customers, and a fair number who will who jump ship. Isn’t extending the contract (rather than resetting it to start today) a better option than annoying and/or losing good customers?

Regardless, please send me a copy of my contract (especially the cancellation section), including the exact date it is up. If this is not available electronically, it can be mailed to me.

Thank you,
Donna M. Jaggard
 

Of course, I don’t expect Bell to be up on their social media enough to see this… and quite frankly, I’m not convinced they care, since all of the local cell phone companies have the same ridiculous rules. But still. This is dumb.

Thinking being in there right when they opened would be a good thing, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to wait long. No dice, the wait for walk-ins was “about an hour”. Curses.

They did the usual checking of the information, and gave me a sheet of paper in which I saw what my doctor was actually looking for: a temporal lesion. Excellent, just what I always wanted. A lesion!

Anyway, I continued reading my book, and became mildly annoyed by the two men sitting next to me having an extremely loud conversation about whatever was on the TV (I believe it was the Mulroney inquiry, which I could not be less interested in) but there was nowhere to move to. Alas. On the upside, my book is really good, so it didn’t seem that long before they called my name and took me away.

Really glad I got Nick to help me take my tragus ring out last night. I barely had time to yank out my nose ring & hair elastic before they had me lying on the creepy table telling me to shut me eyes and hold still for 5 minutes. By the way, Providence Health Care: You should really mention that sort of thing on the prep sheet. A lot of us have body jewelry that doesn’t come out easy, especially in downtown Vancouver. I googled and found out on my own, but what if I’d gone by your “No preparation necessary” disclaimer? Hell, it took Nick & I about 10 minutes to get the damn thing out. Granted, most of that was finding the needlenose pliers, but I bet it’d take even longer if I was say, in a hospital WITHOUT needlenose pliers.

My tragus feels weird. First time in 6 or 7 years there hasn’t been a tiny little ring with a bright blue bead on it. Poor tragus.

Anyway, the five minutes went by pretty fast, although I can’t say I was terribly productive with said five minutes. Like my high school habit of self deprecating humor as a self-defense mechanism (leading to absolutely TERRIBLE self esteem, because if you constantly tell yourself you’re worthless, eventually you start to believe it — I got better) I spent the 5 minutes thinking up worse case scenarios, generally revolving around the “I’ll be dead in a month and Nick will have some cute young thing on his arm at my funeral” theme. While walking to the skytrain, I then called Nick and insisted that he’s not allowed to bring a date to my funeral. I instead suggested having me taxidermied and mounted on a stand in our livingroom. Apparently this is “creepy”. Pah, I say.

I’m not entirely sure the “My brain is going to explooooode!” train of thought is the most healthy, but I figure it’s better than realistic worries which already consume far too much of my day. I continue to be neurotic and terrified of the “damned-if-i-do/damned-if-i-don’t” aspect of “Well, if there’s nothing wrong, I get to live with crippling migraines for the rest of my life, but if there’s something wrong, then there’s something wrong IN MY BRAIN.” thing. Seems much more fun to focus on worst case, but extremely unlikely scenarios, right?

Damn you, Nick. NO BRINGING A DATE TO MY FUNERAL.

The downside to a mild latex fetish, and a slightly less mild costume fetish? Latex is fucking expensive.

Anyway, so a few weeks ago, the Marmot mentioned she was making an order from Twist My Rubber Arm, and did I want to join in and save on shipping? Does the pope wear a funny hat?

I attempted to be a little financially responsible, and went with something from the clearance page: This rubber garter belt.

Then I realized oh hell, I don’t have a latex top. I have plenty of PVC tops, plus a variety of other materials, but … you can’t just mix PVC and rubber. It’s like wearing white after labour day, or red to a funeral. It’s just not done. (har har).

So since Jenni at Deadly Couture was having a wicked-awesome sale on Saturday, Nick & I decided to descend upon the madness. I got a new Polymorphe top (the top middle textured top… uh, no, my tits don’t look like that) that looks absolutely smashing, and while we were there discovered my need for new boots as well.

The result? I got a lot of compliments. Yay for payoffs for hard work!

To be slightly more decent while entering & exiting the venue of the evening (we hit up MVK), I threw a calf-length skirt over it, and my awesome little orange faux-leather jacket. I get SO MANY compliments on that thing it’s crazy. A few months ago, I got a Le Chauteau gift card for Christmas. I ended up giving it to Nick, and saying “Go wild”. He has much better fashion sense than I do.

So, we hit up both the Le Chauteau’s downtown, and I wound up with a wonderfully sexy pair of jeans (that I hemmed myself!) that make my ass look great (I’ve lost enough weight that none of my other ass-hugging jeans hug the ass anymore… stupid ass) and this very bright, very tight, very cute faux-leather orange jacket. It’s been too cold to wear it on its own until recently… but it’s finally warmed up enough that I don’t freeze the second I step outside. It looks great. It occurs to me that I should have taken a picture of the “covered-up” outfit too, cuz it looked pretty smokin’.

This concludes the Pride portion of the evening. Possibly a bit of lust & greed, too. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

So, Nick & I were getting a little frisky this morning. (I suppose if we DID have children, we wouldn’t be getting frisky in the livingroom on a Saturday morning to begin with, but still. Work with me here.) We’re just getting into it, and I hear the ever so familiar sounds of hork hork hork coming from the vicinity of the black furry four legged child we have running around. Pause for a moment… eh, she seems fine, keep going.

hork hork hork.

“She’ll be fine…”

hork hork hork

Ok, fine, forget it: The child needs us. C’mere puppy, are you okay? Aw, sweetheart… poor little girl. I coax her into drinking some water, check the pile for anything terrible (just bile, I’m willing to bet she ate something she shouldn’t, she does this once in a while.) She perks up a bit after the third or fourth round of horking, and life carries on.

Is this what it’s like to have children? I was having fun, damnit!