“That way lies ice-cream fatness and shameful blog posts.”
“There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 yr old go ‘Oh come on, that’s a bit much.’”

Close to home? Yeah, except I actually posted all of my drivel. Damnit, art, stop imitating MY life!

So, I’m going to be gone for a month and I thought I’d upload some info about emergency contacts for clients on my site. I shortened the URL using bit.ly to make it easier to email, but the formatting doesn’t seem to be working properly. It clicks through but it’s all wonky.

Can you please look at this and tell me what I’m doing wrong?

http://bit.ly/pLaP

Thanks!
Jenn

This is worse than a Rick Roll. It’s CHRISTMASIZED!

His outlook on life (and death) is amazing and realistic without being morbidly depressing, or artificially upbeat. Within a couple of years… this world is going to be minus someone who’s managed to profoundly affect me without ever meeting me in person.

Thanks for blogging, Derek. Keep it up.

But I also clearly say in my profile that I do NOT want people to msg me with an invitation for sex. Holy offputting. Here’s what I have, under You should message me if…:

Message me if you’re local and friendly. Do not message me if you just want me to come over and fuck — I like to know the people in my life.

You should not message me if all you have to say is something along the lines of “I want to bend you over a barrel and spank you til you scream.” You must have me mistaken for someone else.

And to the half dozen people who think they’re being funny and/or original by ignoring that last bit of vital advice? You’re not.

Right. So, this bit has been edited a few times because people obviously have mistaken me for someone else. And yet, I still get messages like the following from this gem:

How’s about 49 years young 5’9″ 180# and love to please !!! I’m the kind of guy that wants to lick a woman until she cums at least once if not twice or more so if you want a friend with benefits I am your guy I’m also open to threesomes if it happens as well.

And so I responded:

Does that kind of bullshit ever actually WORK for you?

To which he responded, and please keep in mind the bit I quoted from my profile above:

Saw your ad and thought I’d give it a try

At that point, I believe I have free reign to be snarky:

Which you obviously didn’t read, since it says very clearly NOT to message me with that sort of nonsense.

To be honest, you shouldn’t message ANYONE with that sort of bullshit. But after someone specifically says not to? Just plain dumb.

But honestly, are there women who recieve a message like that (of which I’ve apparently gotten enough times that I felt the need to EDIT MY PROFILE to disuade people) and think “Yes! This is what I’ve been looking for all this time!” Women who’s profiles do not say “HELLO PLZ TO MSG ME FOR TEH SEX0R!!!”

Seriously? Does that actually work? Ever? And WHY are there men who think it will?

I get it. I’m cute. The pictures in my profile? Flattering. And I’d like to think that my profile writing skills are amusing and even a little bit clever. But dude. DUDE! WHY???

I give people more credit than I should, perhaps.

when i was 17 i was a blowjob queen
picking up tips from the masters
i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after
now i’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
i don’t make love now to make people love me
but i don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet
we’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

And you wonder why I love Amanda Palmer so much.

It seems that at one point, a couple of the bouncers were standing outside at the front, as they are wont to do. And a bachelor party wanders by, the impending groom dressed as Batman. Interesting, and amusing as they weren’t headed for Sin. But just as Batman and co walk by…

…an unrelated Robin walks out of the club. They hugged, and like two ships passing in the night, went their seperate ways.

I laughed. What are the odds?

What? It’s an important day.

You prepared a number fine points there. I did a good solid research for this particular issue and found out generally people will definitely agree with your website. Thanks.

Ok, sounds stilted, but I occasionally write about Topics of Importance, so maybe it’s legit… so I check and see what post it’s been written on. Oh, yeah, it’s spam.

Good to know that generally people will agree that my birthday party was in October of 2008. Phew! That’s an important issue, I know.

So, I haven’t seen any of the new 3d movies yet, and only vaguely remember them from the brief popularity they had in the 80s when it was all about “THROW THIS THING IN YOUR FACE BECAUSE WOO LOOKY HERE WE GOT THIS HERE THREE-DEE TECHNOLOGY.” Although the old glasses were far more cool, with the paper frames and the red & green lenses. We got to the theatre fairly early, since it was a sold out show, but even then were not near the front of the lineup. Still, we got decent seats, but somewhat off to the side.

The 3d started in the trailers for Toy Story 3 and Tron. And I started getting a bit dizzy. Well, shit. I was rather nervous at that point that said dizzy was going to get worse, and I dislike vomiting in public or wasting money, so this was a Bad Thing. But, it never did — I just stayed mildly dizzy throughout the entire movie. Phew. I think it may have had something to do with sitting so far to the side. The opposite side of the screen had a bit of a blur to it, which just seemed to be from the angle.

Anyway, dizzy & blur aside, the 3d was pretty neat. They’ve gone away from the THROW THIS IN YOUR FACE style, and now just use it to add a little depth to the scene. Much preferred, thanks.

The movie itself? Absolutely gorgeous, as usual. Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter was dead on, nobody could have Red Queened as well as Helena Bonham Carter, Mia Wasikowska was a perfectly fragile looking Alice (until the end, anyway) and the vorpal sword was, in fact, vorpal. I’m not a huge fan of Anne Hathaway and … didn’t quite think her “look” was right, but I liked her performance of the White Queen anyway.

And I could listen to Alan Rickman’s voice ALL FREAKING DAY.

The story was good enough, entertaining and fun, but of course it’s a Tim Burton movie: I’m there for the visuals. And it paid off, it was fucking pretty.

Worth a watch? If you like Tim Burton style movies, and Johnny Depp’s particular insane brilliance, then absolutely. And now… futterwacken!

Update: This is a little too accurate. Luckily, I love it. Deedly deedly deedly deedly!

Due to Nick being out of town, we decided to reschedule Valentine’s Day until yesterday: When I had purchased 2 tickets to see Jonathan Coulton perform at the Rio.

So. Awesome.

First, we got to experience Paul & Storm, and “experience” is surely the right word. You know, I hate the idea of opening bands, but at the same time I’m usually impressed by them — from Howie Day opening for Tori Amos, to Macy Gray opening for David Bowie… honestly, there’s a raeson the musical artists I see choose these bands, and it usually pays off in spades. And yet, I get all “Don’t go too long, and get the hell off the stage” … and to my delight, that’s a lyric from Paul & Storm’s first number: “Opening Band”. Okay, they had caught my attention at that point, and with amusing songs as “Nugget Man” (moment of silence for the Nugget Man) and my favorite, “The Captain’s Wife’s Lament”. (Amused Arrr.)

Of course, no matter how amusing and entertaining, they’re not who we came to see.

Jonathan Coulton was AWESOME. If you’re not already a fan, you should be. There was no disappointment, he was as good as I was expecting. Played almost every song I was hoping to hear, and even a few I wasn’t familiar with. How had I never heard Mr. Fancy Pants before? What’s wrong with me? Heck, I finally appreciate Beyonce. (Er, you may have to hear him live to get that.)

Anyway. Was faboo. Was a good evening, spotted the infamous Kimli, finally met (well, sort of) Renee, and wound up in the balcony sitting behind cas & kdot. Hooray for good people!

Also, I picked up an awesome t-shirt that reads “Visit beautiful Skullcrusher Mountain” on the front, and “What’s with all the screaming?” on the back. I approve.

Best of all, know all the good sneaky parking spots since I work around the corner from the Rio, and did not get trapped. Eek.

Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart. Hope you liked it!