“I need to be at 29th & Main & Broadway…”

Uh… are you sure?

Mom’s response: “I think I was there once in the ’80′s.” I laughed.

I love the general public.

If you haven’t been following along, Nick broke up with me on Sunday. I am not a fan of this move and am instead completely devastated. The timing is definitely pretty shitty (learning a brand new job, and my mother almost died last week), but in his defense he didn’t want to do it now. I may have learned the Very Hard Way not to push when someone doesn’t want to talk about something yet.

The why’s aren’t important to anyone other than us, so I won’t go into any great detail, but because this came out of left field not only for me, but for anybody who knows us: the gist is that Nick thinks he can find someone more suitable for him than I am, so … that’s that. (There’s no other woman yet, this is just theoretical on his part.) I disagree, because quite frankly, I thought we had a pretty damn good relationship and we’re pretty damn awesome together. There are a few problems sure, but nothing even remotely worth being a dealbreaker. I’m expecting a phone call when I’m about 70 saying “Sorry, honey, you were right.” And as much as I like being right… well, fuck that. I’m going to want my 40 years back.

So, I’m hurt, a lot. A little angry, but mostly just hurt. Devastated, really.

I don’t quite know how to explain it. I’m grieving, hard. This is the man I wanted to marry — it wasn’t that long ago that we discussed tenative timelines. We had planned on children — yes, I changed my mind on the childfree thing. To the point that I’ve actually spoken to my doctor about my fertility options, as I’m already fertility challenged. I was ecstatic at the idea of spending the rest of my life with him.

I’m a different person than I was when we got together. I’ve changed a LOT in the last two and a half years, and I was really happy with that. And a lot of my life revolves around Nick — which is the way I liked it. I don’t quite know who I am without Nick anymore. I just can’t picture it. I don’t want to.

I hate this feeling — I feel seriously pathetic. Seriously, am strong independant woman, do not need no silly man to be happy. And no, I don’t… eventually. For now, I’m extremely hurt and sad and feeling very, very rejected. My pride and self esteem are crushed into teeny tiny specks right now.

I once said, “love is giving someone absolute power to destroy you at the core… and trusting that they won’t.” Having that trust betrayed? I don’t quite know what that is, but I don’t like it and would like it to stop now please.

On the upside: My new job is going very, very well. There were two “make or break” tests that, if failed, meant you were removed from the training program. I can’t think of much more embarassing than having to tuck my tail between my legs and go back to my former employer to beg for my job back. Yeah, I’m pretty low on pride right now, but there’s still SOME left. Required scores on both tests was 70%. I got 97% on the first test and 99% on the second. Yeah, I think I’ll do.

I’d like to talk about my job a bit, but without publically naming the company I work for. However, if you’re local, it’ll probably be pretty clear what I’m talking about: I’m doing customer information for the local transit system. Believe it or not this is a company that HIGHLY values customer service (I mean you, local bus riders — some drivers suck, I know this, it’s the result of having thousands of them working largely unsupervised). Seriously, they are so much more dedicated to customer service than I ever realized, and my parents have worked for this company for 30 years.

Case in point: I’m working in a call centre, which you would think is a step down from my previous three job titles, but I’m paid considerably more, and am getting WAY more rigourous training than any job I’ve ever had, and that includes the one that involves operating heavy machinery. (If you knew how many lift operators at ski mountains were drunk or high on the job, you’d be a lot more careful getting on the chair… trust me.)

Also, I think this job was meant for me. Having grown up with the company and being a heavy transit user myself… I’m doing really great. I’m a fairly fast learner under the best of circumstances, and having a lot of pre-existing knowledge of the system (far more than I realized, even) and decent knowledge of geography of the area (except for Richmond and the TriCities, but even that has skyrocketed in the last 3 weeks) the training has so far been a breeze. And it’s not easy training — one of my fellow trainees dropped out in week one, and another failed the first test. We started with 8, so that’s a fairly high attrition rate.

Today, we started taking calls semi-unsupervised. We work in pairs, both plugged into the same phone, but one of us into the “mute” side, and one person actually talking to the customer. We get the details, put the caller on hold, pick the best answer together, and then return to the customer. It’s occasionally a bit nervewracking, but I am totally getting the hang of this. It’s not perfect, I’m still working on getting my delivery down (“At TIME, on STREET, going DIRECTION, take the NAME OF BUS to DESTINATION…”) but that’ll just take practice.

At the very least, I didn’t knowingly give any bad information today, although one bus was in an accident, and I did have to apologize to someone when the one behind him was running super late, making him late to a job interview. Thankfully, unlike the woman who called yesterday and threatened us with a naked protest at our offices when her bus didn’t show, he pragmatically decided to just take a cab.

I was actually quite upbeat at work today. I’m busy enough and having to concentrate enough that I don’t have time to be seriously depressed about the state of my life.

Which is good, because… what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I had a plan, damnit. I had goals, ideas, desires, and none of them are the same without Nick in the picture. Worse, I have to move, and damnit all, I hate moving.

I’m thinking of going and staying with my parents for a while. For one, my mother just got out of the hospital (today!) and they could probably use a hand around the house for a while. For another, it’s closer to my new job than I am here. For a third, I think it would be good for both dogs to spend some time together — Jasper needs to learn how to behave with other dogs, and Justice needs to scurry away from her big dumb cousin more. For a fourth, it’s bloody difficult to find a suitable place to rent when you have a “special needs” dog like mine — that was why I moved in with Nick to begin with. And for a fifth, the new job is casual with no guaranteed hours until I can get on as a regular employee. I was depending on Nick to carry me a bit in times when my hours were short, the payoff being that when I get on as regular I’m pretty much set.

Except… I don’t wanna. The idea of living anywhere else breaks my heart. I love being here. Even with the mice. (I think there was only one — after disposing of Mister Mouse last week, there have been no further signs of mouse activity. Thank god.) And the stupid hot water heater that has started acting up again. And the strata who hate my dog. I love waking up next to Nick every morning.

People have told me how lucky Nick is to have me. I just wish HE thought so, since his opinion is the one that matters most. Supposedly he thinks he can do better than this. I don’t know that I can. This was so close to perfect… I don’t see how anything could come close.

So… if I don’t seem real social for the next little while, that’s why. I’m not even bothering to finish making my Halloween costume, I’m not going to be anywhere near ready to go to any parties by this weekend. Too bad, it was super cute. I’ll probably finish making the skirt anyway. (Hmm, speaking of which, anybody want to buy a pair of ladybug stockings? Well, mabye I’ll use them next year.) And while I appreciate the offers of couches and spare rooms, I’ll pass. I’m fine here for now. I still love the big jerk and enjoy spending time with him, even if we have this little incompatibility about how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives. There’s no Angry (well, only a little Angry, and all on my side) just Hurt, and he’s my best friend. He’s who I go to when I’m hurt and angry, and I’m not ready to change that yet.

This is so hard. Every now and then, I get hit with a twinge of “This is something I’ll never get to do” or “oh, I won’t get to do this anymore.” Something as little as watching him walk across the room used to make me smile, cuz what a rockin’ body… and now it just makes me sad, cuz fucking hell, it’s not mine anymore.

Last week… I loved my life. I was with the man of my dreams, we had big plans for the future… my job was going great and was finally on track to be something great… my mom was still in the hospital, but was improving daily and was set to go home soon… everything was doing great. We went to Science World on the weekend, had a great time hanging out together…

and what a difference a day makes.

(Oh good, now I’m going to go listen to sad breakup music. Pink’s “Funhouse” album might be my mainstay for a while. I promise not to re-enact “Please Don’t Leave Me“. Much.)

Alice Brown Elementary (first half of Kindergarten. Actually, I’m not sure if this was the school — give me a break, I was 4, what do I know? Anyway, it was an elementary school in Brookswood, I think this was it. Mom will correct me if I’m wrong.)

Harold Bishop Elementary (we moved halfway through kindergarten. I finished out the year here, in Guildford.)

Cloverdale Elementary (Grades 1-5. School is now a “traditional” school, by which I think they mean they don’t allow art or teh gay. Strangely enough, located in Cloverdale.)

Latimer Road Elementary (Grades 6-7. Also in Cloverdale. We moved around Cloverdale a fair amount.)

Cloverdale Junior High (Grade 8. The last year this school existed, it was then converted into a french immersion school, Martha Currie Elementary… coincidentally, this is where Carol Ann goes.)

Lord Tweedsmuir High (grade 9-12. While this is technically the same school both my parents went to, they went to the old Tweedsmuir. At the same time that CJS got converted to a french immersion, they tore down the old LTS and rebuilt a new one. It looks like a jail and overlooks the race track.)

Kwantlen University College (Richmond Campus. Started a comp sci program, discovered that programming makes me want to rip off your arm. Yes, yours.)

Camosun College (Victoria. Took a single accounting class, but dropped it when I got promoted at work and couldn’t get to class on time anymore.)

Kwantlen (again. This was just an online course.)

Emily Carr (photography course. It was fun. I learned to develop film!)

Langara (3-4 years of Random Classes That Look Interesting. Took a lot of Women’s Studies classes with some psych & sociology thrown in for flavor. Wound up with 30 credits, go me!)

BCIT (Technical Writing. It, too, was pretty awesome.)

Justice Institute (Emergency Medical Responder course.)

I might be forgetting some, but that’s what I got so far.

Anyway, why do I post this? Because as of September 17th, I’m adding one more:

BCIT (Basic Health Sciences, BHSC 0100 – Human Biology)

Why? Because this is the only pre-requisite I need to get into the Licensed Practical Nursing program at VCC. You may recall a few weeks ago, I wrote about how I can no longer proceed in my paramedic dream. Which is thoroughly disappointing, but I’m not calling any of that wasted: It really, really made me understand how much I love health care. Emergency health care specifically, but there are ways to make that work. So, I spoke with the adviser at VCC a few days ago, and here’s what we came up with:

I am one pre-requisite shy of being eligible for the VCC LPN program — that being an equivalent to Biology 12, taken in the last 5 years. Well, not only did I graduate high school considerably more than 5 years ago, but I never took biology anyway. Chemistry, yes. Physics, yes. Computer Science, yes. But Biology? No, I was a stupid kid and played the part prescribed to me as an unpopular, awkward girl desperately trying to fit in: in that, “eww, gross things are gross.” Fuck that noise. Gross things are awesome.

But that’s fine, my lack of biology classes in high school don’t matter. And conveniently, from my EMR class, I have a decent amount of basic human biology understanding now. Still, need the pre-req, so this is it. I have two options: I could, through the Vancouver School Board, take biology 12. My adviser thinks that I could probably get them to waive the biology 11 requirement, as I’ve not only been out of high school for 12 years, but I have post secondary education and some healthcare training already. Unfortunately, from my research, the scheduling doesn’t really work for me. Pity, since that’d be free. But that’s fine, I think the BCIT class will be awesome, especially since it’s got a healthcare focus.

Anyway, so the LPN program has a two year waitlist that is probably only a one year waitlist. The “official” waitlist has to include everybody who’s applied for the program, but since many of the people offered a seat will decline it, they estimate it’s only about a year. This works for me. And in the meantime, I will work on getting the rest of the pre-requisites for the Bachelor of Science in Nursing program (may be more familiar if I refer to it as an RN). That is, currently, my end goal. Of course, knowing me, this will probably change, but I need something to work toward even if I modify it later.

So, there we go. I take the BCIT biology class, apply for the LPN program. Then I work on getting the BSN prerequisites and apply there. There’s no waitlist for the BSN program. Whichever accepts me first, I take. If it’s the LPN program, it’s a one year certificate program, and then after 900 hours of work, I’m eligible for the LPN-to-BSN program, which gets me into the third year of the BSN program. If it’s the BSN program, I take 3-4 years, and get my BSN.

Where does the emergency come into this? Well, the BSN has a few electives, and several of them are ER related. Plus there’s post-degree education that I can use to specialize further. At the moment, that’s the way I want to aim my education. If I can’t work in a pre-hospital setting, I’d like to work in a first-contact hospital setting. I think that’d be awesome.

Bonus: A very dear friend of mine has been working on her pre-reqs for the same LPN program for ages, and coincidentally we should both be ready to apply at the same time. It would be AWESOME to have someone I know & love in class with me. Built in study partner!

In any event… I’m extremely excited. No matter how this turns out, I have career goals again, and this makes me very, very happy. I drift a bit when I’m not sure where I’m going, and not 100% happy where I am. I managed to get my personal life sorted out to the point where I’m so happy I could pee a little, now to get my professional life on the same track.

Now, if I could get my finances to where I’m happy with them… I’d be 3/3, but what the hell, let’s dump a few years of student loans on them instead, eh?

I should also mention a huge thank you to my current employer who is extremely understanding of my career aspirations, considering they tend to involve things like “I’ll eventually be quitting… but please continue paying me in the meantime. No, I don’t know exactly when I’ll be quitting. Yes, my estimated length of continued employment keeps changing.” I really, really like my place of employment, and the people I work with are absolutely fantastic. I might not be super crazy about the work I’m doing anymore, but that has NOTHING to do with the people — the people make it absolutely worthwhile.

Dave: Nick and I have a special bond
Dave: I can tell by the way he avoids my extended eye contact whenever I see him
Dave: And how he shuffles slightly away when I sit really close
Donna: that’s how he tells me he likes me, too.

Pity poor Nick who has actually been forced to meet most of these wondrous specimens of hilarity.

Whatever, when measuring my career-penis, I still get to say “I’m a manager”, so I’ll take it. Mostly, it’s just convenient when I talk to an angry customer and they want to talk to the manager. “YOU ALREADY ARE! HAHAHA, SUCK IT.” (Note: I rarely say “suck it” to a customer. Really.)

Anyway, the point of this? So, a call came in. I don’t really do a lot of phone support — it’s all web based stuff, you try giving code examples over the phone. “Angly bracket question mark php echo dollar sign…” yeah, screw that. We make a point of trying to make that pretty clear through our support options, but whatever, people still call in. And because I rock at customer service, I’ll answer any easy questions on the phone, then redirect them to email if necessary.

So today, a customer calls in, I answer it, and it’s a bit of an odd question about image quality of uploaded images. We chat a bit, and I solve his problem fairly quickly because, of course, I am Uber. At the same time, a second call came in, so one of our non-support-but-does-overflow people picks up since I’m already on the other line. A minute later, it becomes clear: Two people from the same office called in at the same time with the same question.

But most importantly, I got the problem solved first. HAH! I win at Competitive Tech Support. It’s gonna be a whole new sport, I swear.

(What? Hey, it’s support, sometimes you have to break up the monotony a little.)

I recently asked my employer if I could buy one of our extra LCD monitors, because I love having dual monitors at work and would like them at home. He offered to let me have one. Well, score. Good price.

We have an extra 22″ widescreen LCD. I, of course, grabbed that one. But, before taking it home, I hooked it up to test it (we have a couple of dead monitors floating around) and … it has a single dead pixel, in the middle but slightly to the left of centre.

I’m trying a few methods to fix it first. I’m going to leave it hooked up overnight running this thing to see if it can be “untwisted”. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try massaging and tapping as other guides have mentioned. But if it can’t be untwisted… can I put up with this? It’s such a pretty monitor, it seems horrible to give it up just for one wee pixel. But one crazy bright green pixel ALL THE FREAKING TIME might make Donna go something something.

Oh well. I’ll try it out at work for a while, and if it doesn’t make me crazy, I’ll take it home… and if I can’t stand Warcraft in CrazyPixel mode, then I can always bring it back to work and swap it out.

Still, a 22″ widescreen monitor would make Warcraft more awesome. I bet I could put up with a lot for that.

So, I’ve been chatting with a few people about it, and my friends? They FAIL at the supportive thing.

dramatic marmot says: nothing says “ideal girlfriend” better than vomiting and crying in the ladies room, so get REALLY drunk

Raven: I would say that a nice shimmer stocking would be good. Or so you feel extra special and sexy you should wear stay ups or garter & stockings!!
its like a little secret smile you can have all night
you could always get Nick to put them on for you … then he knows your secret too all night long… waiting to get you home… or in a dark corner since if you wear garters and no panties he can ravish you in a supply closet

NOT. HELPING.

Although I like the shimmer stockings idea. May have to hit up the Bay after work.

I blame the two of them if I make an ass of myself.

Why? Because there were apparently some leaks in my office building, and they’ve shut off the heat while they work on fixing it. Worse, they’ve left the blowers on… so it’s very busily shunting COLD air into the office.

Better yet, I’m on week two of The Plague, and I’m really not convinced that this is helping. If I hadn’t missed so much work last week, I’d just go home… at home, I have HEAT. Alas, too damn much to do, and not enough time to do it in. Bleah.