life, the universe, and donna

Really? REALLY??

So I finished reading Twilight this weekend. It wasn’t my fault, Kimli made me. My tiny, not-even-remotely-done revenge was to get her the “Eclipse” cup at the movie theatre on Friday. Take that, Kimli! Now you must drink from Edward’s elongated head! MWAH!

Wow, I suck at revenge. I’ll come up with something…

It was, I’m loathe to say, better than I was expecting. This is because my expectations were SO LOW that it’s impossible that ANYTHING could be that bad and actually get published. Admittedly, I’m still surprised this got published, and I’m horrified that so many people fall for this shlock. And really, really sad & disappointed at how many young girls are using this, even in the tiniest way, as a framework for how romantic love works.

Young girls: This is not how romantic love works. This is how a creepy, abusive stalker worms his way into your life. This is how you get hurt. Abuse is hard to spot, and hard to stop, and “But I love him” is not a good enough answer. Neither is, “But he loves me.” Yeah, he does, and he’s STILL abusing you. You BOTH have problems, and you need to Leave Now, and Get That Shit Figured Out. Alone.

Er, sorry. Touchy subject.

I almost used the word “emotional vampires”. Hah. Because they suck on your emotions, get it? Get it? Hey, with ideas like that, I could write my OWN bestselling novel aimed at needy teenage girls, except mine will be about how the girl said “Fuck no!” to the creepy stalker vampire hanging out in her bedroom every night and everybody lived happily ever after, and Old Bella told stories about this guy she dated briefly in high school, and holy crap what a nightmare HE was.

Anyway. So, it was better than I was expecting. Twilight is surprisingly engaging, and it’s an easy read. For such a thick book (and one that I refuse to read on the bus, I don’t want the smelly bus hobos thinking I’m an intellectual idiot, and I don’t have my “I’M BEING IRONIC” t-shirt yet) I only seriously started reading it last night, and got through it in a couple of hours.

But the plot is pretty dumb (which I already vaguely knew, having seen the movie — shut up, I wanted to see what all the fuss is about, and with Rifftrax, it’s effing hilarious) and the characters… oh god, the characters…

The characters in the movie are … boring. Hell, the movie was boring. Other than the Benny Hill vampire-running-through-the-forest bit (which was hiLARIOUS) and the vampire baseball (ahahah, VAMPIRE BASEBALL! Just the words make me giggle hysterically to myself. Vampire. Baseball. I DARE you to say the words out loud without giggling. Just try!) But really, there isn’t a single likeable character in the whole book. Edward? Creepy stalker. Jacob? Ok, I get that he’s just a bit character now, and the whole werewolf thing won’t come about until a few books from now, but he’s … a boring jittery kid. Bella?

Oh, Bella.

Jesus christ on toast. A more suicidal, masochistic, martyring idiot I’ve never come across. Teenagers of the world, I have a hint: When a boy wants to take you into the woods and STRONGLY RECOMMENDS that you tell someone where you’re going and who you’re with… it BEHOOVES YOU TO TAKE HIS ADVICE. Seriously, this is where a “safe call” is a really great idea. Look, nobody would think it’s a dumb idea, when meeting someone say, on the internet, to have a pre-arranged phone call to a friend at a specific time, and if you DON’T get that call, to call the police and give them all of the details about who you were with, where you were supposed to go, and when you were supposed to be back. 99% of the time if the safe call doesn’t go off, the problem will have been mundane — lost phone number, cell phone died, got distracted, whatever. But you still HAVE THE SAFE CALL.

And quite frankly, if the person you’re going with says you should have said safety precautions in place SO THAT HE HAS LESS INCENTIVE TO KILL YOU… really, telling him very clearly that nobody knows where you are or who you’re with, and you’re not expected back until very late? What. The. Fuck. I get that she’s trying to prove her love for the guy, but even supposing that she very strongly cares about him and wants to show that she trusts him, he VERY MUCH WANTS TO EAT HER. Why is she tempting him like that?

“Hey baby, I know you’re trying really hard to kick this heroin addiction, but secret heroin that nobody will miss wants to go for a walk in the woods with you.”

And… I just don’t get why she loves him. Because he’s pretty? That’s about all I could get (although admittedly, the description of the huge bags under his eyes all the time… yeah, wow, the junkie description seems pretty accurate. Is heroin chic back in and I missed it?) Admittedly, having someone totally into you is appealing, but … uh … I want someone to be into me, not into EATING me. It’s just a crazy quirk of mine.

Eesh.

The most interesting part of the book? Carlisle’s backstory. Yes, that’s the part I enjoyed the most: a side-characters backstory from 300 years ago. But then I have a hard time taking a character named “Carlisle” seriously.

Anyway. I’ve only just started on book 2, but so far it’s “omg, we’ve only been dating for 6 months and I know I’m only 18 and all, but let’s do something far more permanent than marriage because I love you soooo much!”

I’m trying hard not to judge, because I might have gotten engaged to someone I’d only been dating for a few months when I was 18, but you KNOW WHAT? You can GET OUT of marriage, if you absolutely have to. And hell, there are such things as LONG ENGAGEMENTS. It’s hard to change your mind once you’re SUCKING BLOOD. Idiot.

And even better is that “I KNOW SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU AND I AM BREAKING THIS OFF FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.” Yeah, the last person who tried that bullshit on me got their ears blistered. How about dumping her because she’s a whiny self destructive little twit instead? Granted, book 2 would have been much shorter if that were the case.

Pity.