(Warning: People who don’t like it when I mock God may not appreciate this post.)
Last night, I had one of those “most pain I can imagine” migraines. When Nick got home, he found me curled up in the bathroom (oh yes, bad migraines make me throw up too, isn’t that sexy?) unable to make coherent sentences, and practically weeping any time the dog barked. (Thankfully, she’d been pretty quiet most of the day. Snuggly, too. She’s a good girl when I feel like crap.)
Fun, hey?
I ended up taking an extremely old Ativan (read: anti-anxiety/sedative) I had lying around, because sleeping during a migraine feels better than anything you can imagine. I haven’t taken an Ativan in many years, so today I have a lovely Ativan hangover. Worth it. It was either that, or another trip to the hospital, because I’m sorry — humans aren’t designed to handle that sort of thing, and softly moaning in the dark is only fun when you’re naked.
So, this morning I decided to stop in at the drug store… and fill that damn prescription I’ve been hanging onto since July. As of this morning, I’m taking Propranolol as a migraine prophylactic. Go me. It’s like a condom for my head, but without the suffocation part. I also refilled my Imitrex prescription, which seemed like the smart thing to do since part of the whole bathroom floor escapade was because, once again, I ran out and didn’t refill. I’d like to say this isn’t my fault, but seriously, I have to refill the damn thing every 2 weeks or so, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. Oh no, don’t worry, I’ll put that off til later… yeah. Dumb.
Anyway. My boss came up with an alternate therapy for me. Apparently you can cure migraines with the Word of God. Really? That’s it? The word of god can cure my migraines? Score! Oh, but of course, there is a catch:
You must be Born Again to be able to do this, even if it is free. You get born again by believing and confessing the Lordship of Jesus. After which you lay your hands on your head and authoritatively command the sinus headache or migraine to go and be healed in the Name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Amen.
Typical. Well, I’m not what I would refer to as a “bible thumper”, but my favorite teen movie is Saved!, so I think I qualify. Dave would good enough to find me instructions on how to get Saved! myself, detailed on this page. All I had to do was read the bolded text, and voila! Now the Word of God is guaranteed to work on my migraines!
So the next time I get a migraine, I will authoritatively command the migraine to go and be healed in the Name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
I’ll report back on how well it works. Admittedly, I may be a little shy on the “believing” portion of the requirement, but by golly I’m going to try!
It’s always … interesting when that sort of thing happens. I remember being accosted once on my way home, as I’d stepped off the bus, by someone that wanted to … pray that my blindness be healed. Not ONLY did he start off by telling me that he’d seen me around for quite some time (creeeeeeeeepy, particularly in this context), but he then waxed eloquent on how his meeting me must have been a way to prove the power of his faith in God, by praying for me to be healed. Ironically, there was at least one person asking for change on the street … yet, in his opinion, I was more “deserving of God’s intervention”.
I’ve been using Maxalt to stop my migraines, but maybe I should try using the Word of God instead. =\
This morning I laid my hands down upon the earth and authoritatively commanded it to be healed. We can all go back to driving Hummers now, right?
Whenever I hear anything like this these days, I feel very sad for those who believe in any religion. It’s comparable to the pity I feel for the people who talk to imaginary people or tell at brick walls at Main & Hastings.
k.
hey, stop feeling sorry for me! JESUS IS GOING TO SOLVE MY MIGRAINES, DAMNIT.
Or maybe the drugs will. But I’m sure God will take credit either way. He’s a jerk like that.
I’m obliged at this point to see if you’ve seen any of the “Mr. Deity” short films. Have you? If not, and you have time to kill, go check it out. ;-)