life, the universe, and donna

This post is about two things: One, AMANDA FUCKING PALMER. TONIGHT. EXCITED.

Next, it’s about a line from The Ampersand and how every time I hear this line (see subject), it twigs me a bit and makes me think some. And so, I will ramble about what it makes me think. This may or may not actually make sense, as it’s more “streams of consciousness” than “well thought out discussion”.

I have a bad habit of losing myself a bit when I get into a relationship. I, if you’ll pardon the lyric-quoting cheese, become less of the independent opinionated stubborn pushy girl that I love when I’m single… and become little more than one side of an ampersand. This, of course, makes me miserable, and (among other reasons) I have something of a habit of sabotaging relationships.

This is one of the things that I adore about Nick. Sure, I’ve gotten infinitely more shmoopy than I’ve ever been in my life, but I still feel like far more than just a part of “Nick & Donna”. Don’t get me wrong — being half of Nick & Donna is vitally important to me, and I love every moment of it… but I’m more than Nick’s girlfriend.

I have depth, y’know? Layers! Like an onion! Okay, maybe not so many layers…

(Side note: Someone once told Nick that his biggest problem is that he’s exactly what he seems to be. I’m not necessarily sure that’s a FAULT, but it’s certainly true. Also, it makes me laugh.)

Anyway. I have a little bit of fear that I’ll do the same damn thing I do in every relationship I get into — expend so much energy in trying to be what my partner wants that I forget what I want, and end up miserable and hating myself for it… but not sure how to stop. On the upside, I usually do this pretty quickly, as evidenced by the aforementioned string of 5 month relationships. So far so good.

I’m trying to make a point of not sacrificing myself. Compromise, yes. Sacrifice, no. I make a lousy martyr.

Also possible: I may have found someone who likes me for me, so I don’t have to try to be someone else to please him. Which is good, because … I don’t want to be someone else, and I’m tired of people trying to convince me I should be. (I don’t really put full blame on my partners for that whole trying-to-make-me-someone-else thing. While there’s a fair amount of truth to that, in their defense I’ve always been far too willing to try to change myself to be what they want. Or what I think they want.)

Well, fuck that. I like who I am. If I have to sacrifice that to make someone happy and in the process make myself miserable, nobody wins. Because if Donna’s unhappy, EVERYBODY’s unhappy. And nobody wants that.

Anyway. Long story short? I’m on one side of an ampersand, but there’s more to it than that, and I like it that way.