Although there are guidelines about lifting people — I think anyone over a certain weight, and you’re supposed to call the fire department anyway. Which is good, because … well, there are physics involved. I’m not half bad with the lifting, but there’s simply no way I can lift a 300lb person (or even my half of a 300lb person. People are bloody awkward to carry.)

We were also taught a bunch of ways to move people around in ways that don’t require a lot of lifting, which is handy. (Sheet drags for the win!) Still, most people have stairs in their houses, and probably won’t conveniently pass out in a large open area near the front door. Stair Chair it is… eep.

My now expired driver’s license says I’m 125 lbs, which proves that I haven’t really changed weight in 10 years. However, it says I’m male (“SEX: M”) so supposedly I’ve had a sex change operation. Yeah, my penis was too small, so I inverted it into a tight vagina.

Pre-employment screening tests are used to select employment candidates that have the capabilities necessary to perform the bona fide essential duties of the job for which they are applying. A set of pre-employment screening tests has been developed for job candidates applying for a Paramedic position with the British Columbia Ambulance Service. The tests include the following:

1. Cardiovascular Fitness (Canadian Physical, Fitness, and Lifestyle Appraisal- CPAFLA)
2. Range of Motion /Posture Tests – Sit Reach, Stoop, Kneel, Crouch
3. Grip Strength Tests
4. Lifting Strength Test (sub-maximal)
5. Abdominal and Upper Body Strength and Endurance Tests

This is a physically demanding test, candidates who exercise regularly (which includes a muscular strength and endurance training component) and enjoy healthy lifestyle practices should be prepared to take this test. However, sedentary persons will find this test difficult, largely due to the heavy loads that have to be manipulated during the protocol. Candidates are required to consult with their physician related to the adequacy of their fitness prior to taking the test.

Not that I’d ever want to be a paramedic. I faint at the sight of blood.