life, the universe, and donna

The last few months have had a lot of firsts for me.

I’m not up for sharing much in the way of specifics, but damn. It’s amazing how much you can improve your life if you suck it up and just TRY things, rather than ignoring little urges and interests because they “don’t seem like you”. That’s a great way to close yourself off from all sorts of interesting and exciting new experiences.

Not that I have any regrets for not working this stuff out earlier… I believe that I needed my past to get to where I am now. If, for example, I’d met Nick five years ago, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have gotten along at all…. but now? He’s one of the best things in my life, and he ups the ante as far as “awesome” goes every day. He makes me want to be a better person because I think he deserves the best, and at the same time I think it’s about bloody time I found someone who deserves me, because hey, I’m pretty awesome too.

These days, what makes me happy? Sitting on the couch curled up with my family, which is Nick at my side, Justice at my feet (or on my lap, since she’s not allowed on the couch itself — leather & claws aren’t good — and she seems to think she’s a lapdog)… and Theobald docked under the couch. (hah.)

So there’s a first for me that I’m willing to talk about: I have a family that isn’t the one I was born into. And I’m starting to understand what some of my more family-minded friends have been going on about all this time. And I adore it, and think I’d do just about anything for them.

I’m feeling ridiculously domestic these days. Hell, I barely recognize myself sometimes. (Especially today — wow, this was NOT the day to just jam a hat on my head and hope my hair sorted itself out. Rain = frizz! I’d say it was a total waste of makeup, except I’m not wearing any. Right, this is why I also wear makeup.)

I know I said I wasn’t going to turn this site into a boring omg, I’m in love-fest, but fuck that. I’m using this blog for what I’ve always used it for: a way to sort out the stuff I’m thinking about because writing it out works FAR better for me. It’s nice to get my head in order every now and then — for one, it reminds me of how bloody lucky I am to have such a great guy who loves me and makes sure I know it, which I never want to take for granted.

It’s also nice to know that I can love someone and want to improve myself for them (and just as importantly, for me) without losing myself in the process. I have a habit of losing myself with people, and I never want that to happen again. For one, it’s a bit of a blow to my ego. I like who I am, and I’d like to not feel like I have to sacrifice that for anyone.

I think it’s normal to compare ones current experiences to past experiences, and it’s funny — the more I think about my last relationship, the more I’m appalled at myself for getting involved in that at all, nevermind how long I stuck it out. While I think I’ve learn something from pretty much every relationship I’ve had, I think what I learned the most from that one was how not to lose myself.

Well, and how not to put up with being treated like crap. That’s a good lesson, too. Luckily, not one that I need at the moment.

But less about that and more about me: It’s sort of funny how your priorities shift. Even a couple of years ago, I think I’d be appalled at myself now… and yet, I’m infinitely more comfortable than I’ve ever been. I still do a lot of dumb-ass things and let my insecurities take over more than I should, but I think I’m starting to get a groove that works for me.

One of my psychology courses taught us that your personality isn’t really “set” until you’re about 30 (unless you have a drastic life-changing experience after that, like … quadripligia or something.) Before that, it’s pretty malleable. My smartass comment was, “So you’re saying people shouldn’t get married til they’re 30?” Laughter ensued — and the prof smirked and agreed.

I’m starting to see what they were talking about — I feel like the older I get, the more grounded I feel, and the more comfortable I feel about who I am. I’ll be 29 two months from today, so if this keeps getting better and more secure? Awesome. I’m in.

Hey, this is my golden birthday, too — I turn 29 on the 29th. Methinks I need to celebrate somehow special. Suggestions welcome.